Can gratitude save your marriage? We often hear that a positive attitude makes a difference. We spoke with Jill Daniel—journalist, author, and founder of the Gratitude Groove—to learn more about this seemingly simple way to stay upbeat.

Why does gratitude matter?
When a person is grateful, they make the choice to see the positive in a situation. There aren’t many things we can control in our lives, but it’s completely within our power to control how we think about a situation. Choosing to be grateful is empowering because if you can see that something good will come out of a scenario, even a challenging event, you have the motivation to keep putting your best effort there. Try it. Next time you’re faced with what appears like an impossible situation, ask yourself, What’s the best thing that could happen here? Can you tap into feeling gratitude for that possibility? When you’re proactive with gratitude, it boosts your faith in yourself and in life. Maybe you don’t feel that grateful right this moment, but that doesn’t mean you won’t experience a feeling of appreciation more fully later on. How many things have upset you in the past that ultimately turned out just fine? The practice of gratitude distills your thinking into the present moment—what’s going on right now that is good? You’re breathing, you have gas in your car, and you have a job this moment. When you’re truly grateful, you’re mindful—and you’re not rehashing the past or having anxiety about the future. You’re being in the “gratitude flow” of life.

How can gratitude change my life?

Gratitude can change your life for this one reason alone: Gratitude takes no victims. You know that unnecessary and draining drama we all produce from time to time in our lives? Gratitude-consciousness and drama are completely incompatible. Think of all the mental and physical energy that is wasted on little upsets in life: someone cuts you off in traffic or your boyfriend forgets your anniversary. We have a constructive conversational tool in the Gratitude Groove called Flip the Bitch. It means you can bitch about something, but you have to flip it into a positive before you’re finished talking. So, I got cut off in traffic? Well, I didn’t have a collision. My boyfriend forgot our anniversary, but he’s extremely loyal, even if he’s not the most romantic chap. Get the idea? When you don’t waste time thinking about petty stuff, there is a major boost of daily mental energy derived from deepening your gratitude-consciousness. And don’t we all want more time and energy?

What does it take to become more grateful, particularly if you’re not feeling thankful? Do you fake it?

When you wake up in the morning and you really don’t feel like going to the gym, you always feel better after you do it, right? It’s the same thing with having the mental workout of finding what you’re grateful for in any given situation. Self-discipline is a foundation of gratitude-consciousness. Just do it! Just be thankful.

How did you discover the importance of gratitude and become a gratitude expert?

You know the saying “You teach what you most need to learn”? That’s certainly true in my case. I’ve often learned about gratitude the hard way, through suffering first and getting smart later. I was married for 13 years, and my marriage failed in part due to my inability to fully appreciate my husband. I was the goddess of ingratitude!

I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a gratitude expert, because I’m still learning about deepening my gratitude growth—and hopefully always will be. I think part of a gratitude practice is to sometimes cut yourself and everyone else some slack. I will say I am committed to gratitude growth even if at times it’s two steps forward and three steps back. Sometimes I’m completely attuned with gratitude awareness—but perhaps in other moments of the day, I might be more like the ungrateful girl next door. I don’t believe in beating myself up for those moments; it’s not helpful and not many of us can act like a saint 24/7.

What are the most common mistakes people make when it comes to communication?

The most effective and loving communication is always a two-way street; the biggest mistake occurs when we try to make it one-way. Having a greater need to be right than to listen conscientiously to the other person’s viewpoint is a common roadblock to successful communication. Making assumptions is damaging. When you assume, you’re consulting and communicating with yourself alone. We need to be caring enough about another person’s needs and expectations to ask what those are. Asking in communication is always respectful, and it makes people want to reciprocate that respect.

What tools do you recommend for becoming more self-aware?

Carving out some daily solitude, time to ruminate, even if it’s only 10 minutes, can help us stay self-aware. There are so many outside forces and influences telling women who we should be. To hear that inner voice of authenticity, we have to sometimes shut off the outside world. To have self-knowledge about what is truly important to us is a big piece of being self-aware. I recommend taking time, every few months, to write down all your preferences for your life, as well as writing down all the things you’d like to let go of that no longer enrich you. This practice will get you in touch with your true desires, and once you know those answers, you can act on that knowledge.

What do you do when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? What helps you get back into the groove?

My partner in teaching the Gratitude Groove is psychotherapist Mary Kay Cocharo, and she wisely says that “bad behavior is a call for love.” That is so true both for our own behavior and in other people. If you wake up in a foul mood, grumpy at the world, chances are you’re feeling last on your list and need some nurturing. Go out for your favorite breakfast, take an indulgent bath with pampering products, meditate, or call a best friend for a pep talk. A healthy dose of self-love will usually turn a bad morning around pretty quickly.

What characteristics define your most successful relationships?

Focusing on the good qualities in another person and showing appreciation for them. I think of gratitude as the state of mind and appreciation as the action step from feeling grateful. When you’re grateful, it increases the connection between you and another person. In order to function at our best, we are all indebted in some way to other people’s efforts on our behalf. I love to let people know how much I appreciate them, both verbally and through other means, like making a surprise special dessert for my neighbors or babysitting their kid when they really need a break. Practicing regular forgiveness is essential for a successful relationship too. It’s not the easiest task, but if we can just let go of past hurts—such as misunderstandings and resentments—it’s one of the healthiest things we can do for the success of every relationship we have.

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